Forgiveness

“Life is an adventure in forgiveness” –Norman Cousins
“…forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us….”– The Lord’s Prayer

Forgiveness is a challenging topic, one that truly requires higher-level capacities of thought and deed: to be able to let go of the anger we retain for what has happened, to let go of the need for reconciliation or closure. To forgive means being willing to accept what has taken place, what may be impossible to change, to release and move on.

As in Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer, we learn to “accept the things I cannot change,” we continue to seek the good in order to expand our heart, to keep it soft and open, rather than hardened or bitter to what the world brings us. Forgiveness allows us to grow in compassion, a true act of lovingkindness.

We may want to confront the person who has caused us pain, to seek from them acknowledgement or remorse for how they hurt us, to ask for reconciliation. But forgiveness requires none of that, as comforting to us as we imagine that would be. Only we are responsible for our feelings and reactions to what has come our way. Only we can forgive.

Forgiveness allows us to take the painful challenges of our life’s journey and accept that they may cause us personal pain; it allows us to move on in life and seek greater happiness in other ways.

As parents we are asked to forgive our children over and over. We are the safe place of love where they first test boundaries, where they feel free to express their anger, frustrations, doubts and fears. We may envision a perfect child perfectly loved by us, but children always come to be our teachers. They are imperfect humans who may behave imperfectly, despite all our love and how we raise them. Their anger or inappropriate behavior towards us may come as a shock, but we can open our hearts, listen and love them again and again. (And of course, as parents it is our job to set clear boundaries and to guide children in our values. We are our children’s first and most important teachers.)

Should I ask my child to forgive me when I mess up? Absolutely! We lose our tempers, make the wrong decision and act before we think, just as much as anyone. It is important for our children to understand that we are human and don’t always ‘get it right.’ Later, when there is a quiet, calm moment, you can say to your child, “Wow, that was a tough morning. I’m sorry I lost my temper and barked at you. I didn’t give you all my attention or patience. I’ll try to be a better listener next time. Can you forgive me?” Then it’s up to you to make it better.

(Caveat: if you are constantly apologizing to your child, it may be time to take a look at your parenting, and perhaps seek appropriate advice from experts.)

Can forgiveness be taught? Perhaps not directly. As we are our children’s first and most important religious educators, we may want to connect forgiveness to helping children learn to express remorse, develop the capacity to understand someone else’s feelings and learn to make amends. It’s not teaching forgiveness to ask your toddler to “say you’re sorry” when they may not understand what ‘sorry’ means. But as children grow you can model behavior, have discussions at the dinner table, and read books together at bedtime. There will always be plenty of opportunities to practice forgiveness!

Here are some children’s books on the topic of forgiveness:

And remember that our congregation is also a welcoming community where there are opportunities for your children to connect with others, to share ideas, talk about their values and to learn about compassion, love and forgiveness.

Buddhist Prayer of Forgiveness
If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly
through my own confusions I ask their forgiveness.
If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly
through their own confusions I forgive them.
And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive
I forgive myself for that.
For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself,
judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions
I forgive myself.